Oyinbo people have gat nothing on us

She’s swaying from side to side, chatting with her friend, one hand on the shopping cart, and the other picking items on the shelf. She picks up a slightly crumpled piece of paper from inside the cart and checks her list again. Her shopping is done, and so she moves to the counter to check-out.

I was leaving too. And though I don’t work at the supermarket, I checked her out. wink. I checked out her cart too, because, you know, by their cart you shall know them. If she has pampers and baby food, she’s either a mother or has one very strict aunty like this that she stays with. If she has fruit and skimmed milk, and work-out DVDs, she’s probably one of those girls that get dumped at MBGN auditions. If she has pink cuffs and those “toys” and stuff (do they even sell those at supermarkets?).

From the contents of the cart, it was obvious she was a tush girl, as we like to call it. (Do you have any idea that tush means buttocks? Check it up if you think I’m fibbing). She had fruit, and milk and assorted biscuits, and….wait wait …Kelloggs? Stop dia!!! Kelloggs has gat nothing on Nasco, or Good morning cornflakes. I remember that in secondary school, the cool boys were the ones that brought Coco pops, and Rice Krispies, and all that nonsense to school (Not like I didn’t carry the occasional one spoon sha, but do you blame me? The thing is sweet na). It got so bad that instead of buying three Golden Morns, boys would carry their money and buy one pack of Frosties. I mad?

PS: Nasco (and Good Morning too), if you’re reading this, imma tell you the things you need to do to beef up your game.

1.Good Morning, change that fucking name. Nasco is better, but Good Morning? Who the heck is your CEO. He doesn’t have initiative o. Mschewww.

2.Increase the size of your nylon. And make sure the corn flakes almost fill up the bag. You guys leave too much ‘air space’ in the nylon. Oh, did you think we wouldn’t notice?

3.Change that your carton. You guys are all dumb, using white for carton design, and putting pictures of bowls and chickens on the pack. Wtf?! Can’t you learn anything from the rest? They use plenty colors and fancy cartoon characters, and their cartons are always very fine. If you need a graphic designer to help you design the new one, send me an email.

sigh now to you.

What do you do when you wake up in the morning? Brush? Take one hot cup of coffee? Take a quick bath, then go to the kitchen to make a quick bowl of Quaker Oats. Stop dia!!! Quaker (or Coker) oats has gat nothing on garri! Can you make swallows out of Quaker oats? Answer me! Garri is so versatile you can use it for

•Soakings, garri (with sugar and/or milk)

•Eba.

•Garri Chocolate. (ask any correct boarding house boy you know, he’d explain)

•Snacks. Just fill a paper bag with garri and chew away.

•Anti-Vomit drug. (When you feel emetic…want to vomit… just pop some garri pills and you’re okay.)

So, a cold cup of garri would do instead. Try it. If you want something hot, try pap.

Next, you check out your wardrobe and check out a few clothes. Then you pick that short dress, or that baggy trouser. Stop Dia!!! English Dressing has gat nothing on Trad. When you wear correct trad, you look like money. Plus, these naija designers are making some madly sexy female trads too, so no dulling i.e you can now club like mad in the new trads. You look more matured on trad, let me tell you. So, Covenant boys, tell Bishop to change your dress code to all trad (my own two kobo, as uaual).

Okay, fast day at work or school, and you decide to go to the cinemas with that person (I see you). You’re there, and you pick up the ‘time-table’, look at the ‘person’ and then say,_ Hey Boo, new Harry Potter’s out, why don’t we see it…_ Stop Dia!!! Harry Potter has gat nothing on Koto Aye. If you didn’t know before, Koto aye is one mad Yoruba movie, with bad ass witches like this. Yeah! Come to think of it, the only people that can do jazz in Harry Potter without using wands are Voldemort and Dumbledore, and they use their wands sometimes sef. In Koto Aye, the witches are so good; they don’t EVER need their wands. Maybe Harry Potter’s theme song is better sha, and Koto Aye doesn’t have novels, but those are trivial.

You’re watching Koto Aye in the cinema yimu, and I’m behind you. And then I hear, Boo Boo, pass the coke please…Stop Dia!!! Coke has gat nothing on Zobo. Zobo is healthy, doesn’t have as much sugar or calories, and is far cheaper too. I saw Zobo two months ago, and even in this economic ‘deepression’, it still sold for twenty naira per bottle. Awesome, isn’t it?

Club next. We know Nigerian songs rock at clubs na, no argument on that one.

So you rock in your trad, and head home, filled up with popcorn and zobo from the Koto Aye movie, and you’re popping a few garri pills to prevent puking all over the car. You get home and it’s time for the do.

What song are you putting into that CD slot? Trey what? Stop Dia!!! ‘Love faces’ has gat nothing on Alabukun. There’s no time, so don’t argue that one too much. Lemme just add that Lynxx set pass Trey, na condition make Lynxx be like that, utunu.

While you’re doing, bobo, what celebrity are you thinking of? Stop Dia!!! Beyonce has gat nothing on Genevieve. Plus, you can use Mercy Johnson sef, except I hear she’s bald now or something, not such a good sight, is it?.

You’re fagged out, and you sleep off. When you wake up Saturday morning, what do you do first? Stop Dia!!