The Ketchup Bottle

I hate big English. The fact that some people feel so much joy in ‘blowing’ grammar while trying to communicate to their fellow brother is plain irritating to me. Where is the love na? I fallaciously thrust the motionless decanter that was a tad bit filled with a red substance used to consume fingers of chips, and also used for certain peculiar food and diet reservations and delicacies, and it fell to the floor and disintegrated into a glut of small pieces injurious to the human body.

Okay, okay, all I’m saying is that I broke the bottle of ketchup in my house today.

I shoved it unintentionally and it fell to the tiled floor in a loud crash and broke to pieces. I forgot to tweet it anyway. What is the sense in a broken bottle of ketchup, right?

Ps 1: So far on my blog, it may seem as though I have changed the original ‘making-money’ theme of the blog to humor. Please, I’m not a comedian. This is not a humor blog. I’m trying to talk sense into the heads of all of us here.

You know, I imagined being in the shoes of the bottle of ketchup if it were human. So many things were lost in that break (-up). The ketchup and the bottle got separated, the bottle was destroyed, meaning it couldn’t be with any other substance. They both were going to be disposed of, that too.

I compared it to a lot of people. You see, life is much like that incident. We just go about our daily duties, and to-do lists and we have no idea, absolutely no idea, what will happen tomorrow. You don’t know if that your parent will still be alive, you don’t know if that your boyfriend will still love you, you don’t know if you’d still have those clean legs that you’re terrorizing your entire area with. This life is just one chance. Anything can happen anytime, just like it happened to the bottle of ketchup that never guessed that I, the ultimate lover of ketchup, would have caused its doom. Even your loved ones can hurt you.

I mentioned break-up right? Yes, I did. You know, a friend of mine and a friend of mine just broke up. They were dating. I wouldn’t say it pained me because I know you’d ask what consign me, but I felt for the relationship. So many of us have had break-ups, painful ones, happy ones, and the random ones that you didn’t even know you were dating before sef.

I got a call one time from a girl saying she was done with me and tired of my nonsense, and that we were done. It was a wrong number actually, and she had wasted her hours of training for the call on a wrong number. Don’t tell me you actually believed that! Buhahaha!

I don’t really have much to say on the break-up topic. I don’t have to start preaching about love and being a good boyfriend and break-up and stuff. They’re so many blogs, magazines and websites doing that already.

Suffice it to say, the best love site I know of is notjustok.com. If not for true love for Nigeria, I don’t know how they manage to host a lot of those crappy songs on their site.

I’d nevertheless share a worthwhile piece of information on love and break-up: If you want to break-up, never use a line such as ‘I love you too much, so I want to let you go.’ Are you a wanted assassin? Cos they, alongside Nigerian politicians, are the only ones in that much danger.

Now back to the broken bottle.

It made me reminisce. When last did I break something? When I was younger, my brother was the destructive agent of the house. It was so bad that mum didn’t have to ask when something got broken. He just got beaten for everything that was broken.

Some people are mouth agaped at the sight of ‘beat’. So, you’re the ‘ajebutter’ right, the one that they scolded but never beat. Well, I’m not, and mum had a special koboko she used to beat us with. In fact, my mum was so correct that sometimes, she let us choose our preferred punishment, and then the stupid naïve me would tell her the latest punishment in school, and assure her that it was very painful, then serve it. Mhen, I used to be very smart yimu!

Well, if you’re still there, I want to announce to you that I’m glad you spent the last few minutes reading this. All I just wanted to tell you is that I broke the bottle of ketchup. Stay tuned.

Ps 2: I’ve swept the floor already.