Laugh if you’ve never done anything stupid!

All of my few years on this life, I’ve only dated three people, the first one was more of a close crush, but I always like to add it cos, well, three is a good number, and girls tend to like you more when you have dated more people. No arguments, please. In my relations with girls, I have done some quite unthinkable things, stupid things that I should not have. I was young then, so I’d put the blame on that. But then, tell me you’ve not done something stupid.

Primary School, Primary 5

I was the head boy, and the head girl liked me. So, there was a rumor going around class that she was my wife, and I was devastated. She was telling everyone that I was her husband! I was scared, so I refused to go to school, and feigned sickness, just because I didn’t want to be a husband.

Junior Secondary School, JSS 3

There was this girlfriend I had, and I was more than eager to break up with her. All the boys in the hostel were on my tail to break up, so I was seriously looking for a way out. The first thing I tried was confronting her to tell her ‘I was no longer doing’ but I apologized later, and we got back together. Then I did the stupid thing. In my school then, if you were caught dating, threat was that you both were going to be expelled. And as such, we kept our tracks clean. So, I took out a stencil, and wrote two letters saying “If you guys, (my girlfriend and I) don’t break up, I’m going to report you to the principal”! I put one in her desk, and I put one in my desk! Well, it didn’t work sha, she called it a bluff. We broke up later with a note.

Senior Secondary School, SS3

So, I was in love, and my girlfriend would do anything for me, anything. Shey you know how that love thing works. Okay this one is actually very hilarious, so brace yourself, plus, Y, if you’re reading this, please don’t bust my head when you see me. I was a boarder, and we lived the school good life then, but pocket money would not do. So we had our multiples means of getting money. Some of the methods were selling our stuff, getting money from juniors and their parents, collecting ‘practical’ money from our parents and so on. This time however, those tricks were not working. And I went low and finally empty on cash. I knew if I asked my girlfriend, she was going to give it to me, but as a guy, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Eventually, it was obvious that was the only way, so I came up with the perfect stupid plan. I called a mutual friend of ours and employed him, and this was the plan: I was going to act sad in the morning, and when she asked what was wrong, I would say nothing. Then, he was to go during recess and start up a mutual conversation with her and then tell her (lie to her, cos I couldn’t) that my money had been stolen the night before! My loving girlfriend put two and two together, and concluded that was why I was sad in the morning! So she came to me, and was all “I know why you’re sad, don’t you know you can tell me anything!” Well, I got the money, and I don’t think she knows about this. As for the guy, I can’t remember if he got a percentage.

University, 100level

We were at home, during the long strike holiday, and so my girlfriend just gave me the good news. We weren’t going to be dating any longer. Don’t blame me too much; I wasn’t so used to being given the boot. So, I was jobless at home, and had nothing to do, and just lost my girlfriend. If I had cried, trust me, it would have been a lot better than what I eventually did. I needed a way to ease myself of the stress. And then it hit me! A Facebook break-up! You see, at the time I was planning this thing, it was a brilliant idea, until I had finished implementing it. Have you ever heard of a Facebook break-up? I’m a pioneer on that level. So this was the stupid thing I did: first, I bought credit (who buys credit after a break-up, except to beg) and sent a text message to ALL my friends, saying I was breaking up with my girlfriend on Facebook, date and time! They all thought I was joking of course, but still checked out for the event. I went on Facebook, and updated the profiles of the both of us as to the break-up, and then I scheduled events! Was I mad? There was going to be a church service, a novelty football match, a talk show, and some other weird events for the break-up! Well, my friends yapped me as expected, but I was having so much fun, I didn’t even mind!

If you’ve done anything worse, I hail ooo!