Incompetence

Yesterday I spent 3 hours making dinner for three guests. My goal was to make grilled fish, plantain, rice and vegetables.

I started by boiling chicken, looking to use some of the stock to sautee vegetables. Then I moved to blending bell peppers, looking to use it as sauce to put on the fish. I was going to leave out some peppers out to garnish the fish, but my blender went bad and I had to switch. Once this happened, I lost composure.

I ended up blending all the peppers, and then I realized I didn’t have tomatoes so I couldn’t make a stew. Which means I couldn’t make rice. I also didn’t have any vegetables, so the stock was only useful for a sauce. I tried to make fries, but my potatoes had gone bad. I decided to move on to the fish but it was still frozen, so I left it to thaw. And time continued to pass.

After about an hour, I returned to cooking. I cleaned the outside of the fish but not the entrials, then splayed the bell pepper mix on top and threw it in the oven. In the absence of rice and vegetables, I fried some plantain and bell pepper sauce, and then served. In all, I’d spent 3 hours.

The fish tasted nice but not cleaning the entrails resulted in a messy goo. The plantains weren’t nearly enough and the sauce was manageable.

My friends ate it joyfully, but I struggled to enjoy it. All I could think of was how shitty a job it was. How much time they’d waited and what little came out of it. I was so sensitive to any cackles from the living room. Were they laughing at me? Even after a full night’s sleep, it still torments me.

I struggle with things I’m not good at and I can barely tolerate ridicule. But I must, because that’s the only path to competence.